Weeping, Wailing - and Flashing

WEEK 1

Weeping and Wailing Wednesday.

After the session with the counsellor, I went back to my office and tried to concentrate on my

work, all the time trying to stem the tears gushing like an oil well when the drill finally hits the

mother lode.  Due to unfortunate, completely unexpected and impossible- to- plan-for

circumstances; we were down 2 members of staff.  Every day was spent running between 3

desks in 2 different offices, besides which urgently trying to recruit temporary help. I was

determined; everything that needed to be done would get done. I can’t let my colleagues down.

 Exhausted going to bed, exhausted getting up. The days are a blur.  I’m trying to drown out all

the thoughts in my head and get some sleep with the help of crisps and wine, cocoa and toast.

Valerian and camomile tea.  Nothing works. I’m running on empty. And the tears keep coming.

And where’s my sense of humour gone?

That Wednesday passed slowly. Eventually I got home and slumped on the sofa. When he came in from work I was still sitting on the sofa, still crying.  “This ends, and it ends now” I say.  I have absolutely no idea how to sort things out. We have been married 24 years.  My home is my sanctuary.  But today has forced me to acknowledge that things are not all right and my body is telling me I need to do something about it. It seems my soul couldn’t get through to me.

We agree that he will move out and rent an apartment for 6 months while we think about things. We will jointly pay all the bills for both establishments. 

Later in the week, as one landlady doesn’t get back to him and an estate agent turns up an hour late and without the keys of the apartment he is to view, he is getting pretty annoyed. Eventually he gets to view a few places. He is considering one in particular that would suit.

Enter the Dragon Friday

We go to see the Chinese State Circus and bring my nephew. A circus without animals; wonderful.  I am entranced by the balletics, the rainbow costumes, the Shaolin monks and most especially the silk Dragon. But always, “what to do what to do what to do” beats like a pulse in my brain regardless of what I am doing.   It loops endlessly through my days and nights now.   We drop my nephew off and return home in silence. There is no war between us. But there is no ease either.

         Skype Saturday

Followed my usual Saturday night routine; had a shower, threw on my bathrobe and slumped on the sofa. Samsung Notebook on my knees, film on television and snacks on the coffee table. A friend calls me from Canada on Skype. I installed it this week, not used it yet. Love the idea of being able to see people as well as chat. His face pops up on my little screen. “Hi” I say, delighted. “I can see you!”   He replies “I can’t see you.  Do you see the little video symbol at the bottom of your screen? Click on it and I should be able to see you.”  So I clicked. “Can you see my face now?” I ask. “Hell yeah” he says laughing. “Never mind your face; I can see your nip-“OH, NO!   I didn’t realise my robe had fallen open. I’m so used to being on my own that it never occurred to me to check what I was wearing. I don’t DO wardrobe malfunctions. I’m a person who would never sunbathe topless or be anything less than appropriately dressed.

Now I’ve flashed – and on the Internet.  Mortified.com. Even if he is an old friend. Probably especially as he is an old friend.

Smiley Happy Sunday

He goes a-visitin’ and if Dr Jekyll went out, Mr Hyde came back. He has changed his mind. Apparently I’m the only one with a problem.  I should be the one to move out. Hello?  If I move out, the house will most likely go to rack and ruin, although the goldfish will be fed. Nor will he do anything to sort out the relationship or deal with figuring out new living arrangements. I’d just be in limbo in a rented place. Forever.

What to do?

Talk to family and visit a lawyer. There must be a way to sort out this mess. There must be. The jack is out of the box and there is no forcing him back.

Things would be so much easier of I didn’t love him. But in spite of everything, I do. Or do I? I’m not sure of anything any more. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Sometimes I feel trapped, a bird beating its wings against glass. But there is also a shared history of many years and many memories. Nothing and no one is ever all bad. Not him, not me, not our relationship And the tears keep flowing and flowing. The bloody tap won’t turn off.

Reading back over this, I detect serious levels of “Oh, poor me” Oops. Better lighten up. And fast. Before Pollyanna turns into the Princess of Darkness.

Next step; talk to the family and make an appointment with a solicitor who deals with Family Law. I am absolutely determined to do whatever has to be done with grace. There will be no fighting, no nastiness and no bitterness. I wouldn’t be able for that anyway. No.  I must manage things with weapons of grace and dignity. Honesty and generosity are a given already. He knows this. Hopefully he will respond in kind.