The time it is a comin'

Less than a month to D Day now; and still I inhabit two parallel universes.  I am reciting affirmations as if they are gospel, la la la la la  la, and the other bit of me is clinging to 25 years of familiarity and saying no. I would like him to say no: to say the things I always wanted him to say; we'll sort it out. But that hasn't happened. I don't know what will happen. I'm sure I'm not thinking straight, not thinking rationally. Maybe there's no way to think rationally about this. It's a nightmare. I'm still reciting mantras, still believing in happy ever after , still believing in ...fairies? psychics? You can be with someone for twenty five years and still not know them, because that is their way of being and in the face of that  you are powerless. Powerless because you have been raised to be nice, to be understanding, to be sensitive, to put others before yourself, always. I wish I had been raised to put myself  first, to stand up for myself, to be as sensitive to my own needs as I have been to others. But I wasn't. Now I need to find  myself. And I am so lost and full of fear that I have no idea who "I" am. I am getting closer to the brink, and wondering how I will get through D Day.