On the floor...

At the back of my mind…

Is the thought that I have signed a Terms of Settlement this week which included the clause that carriage of sale of the house would be jointly between the go solicitors and that we would both agree to be bound by that which means they sell our house for whatever price they agree, both solicitors take fees and we have no say in the sale of our home. I sign it, in gut-wrenching fear and trepidation, thinking; this is what I have to do, legally, I am crunched up with anxiety, not sleeping, trying to push it all to the back of my mind, endlessly repeating the mantra which seems futile now;’ everything will work out, everything is happening for  my highest good.. The reality is that I am sleeping, waking anxiety. Out of breath, panicking, wondering what will happen. I’m used to working hard, I’m used to be the one who earns, I’m used to being the one who takes care of everything and now I’m scared. Really, really scared. The house I worked so hard to pay for, my home, MY HOME, I snow under the control of 2 solicitors. And whatever they agree with whatever estate agent ….How has it come to this? There is no conflict with regard to assets, no battle…why should 2 solicitors divvy up what I have worked so hard for, take 2 commissions, sell the house to??? and take their fees? It feels so wrong and I feel so wrong, that we would be bound by whatever price and any means that two solicitors should sell the house for whatever price, via whatever estate agent, and that we should be bound by their decision. I sign the document, and spend every waking moment in fear of what may happen,. I have signed away control of my life…I can’t bear this, yet I must if this is the legal requirement.  More than anything. this gets to  me. I have signed away control of my home, of my life of the last 25years, to 2 solicitors. And it feels wrong, so totally, totally, wrong. It’s not like we were in dispute, I’d agreed a 50/50 split.

I’m scared and I’m not sleeping, not sleeping. Control of my life is now between two solicitors because my solicitor told me this is how it has to be and I know no different, and I’m already upset and heartbroken by all this. And I don’t know what else to do because if this is what the legal process requires then this is what I have to do even if it leaves me lying on the floor in a foetal position, consumed with anxiety and helplessness. That’s the worst of it. I feel helpless. My life my marriage, my home….Now 2 x solicitors control all. And I feel worse than ever. All that I have worked so hard for, all the pain, all my life-handed over to a legal process. I am doubled over with anxiety in my bed, crunched up with the pain in my gut. All I am left with is an irrational hope, a crazy hope, that it will all turn out ok, because it must. It must. Mustn’t it?